Adopt Unwanted Children

There are so many unwanted children. Walk the walk you phony hipster! These kids have a little baggage but don't we all?

Now that the fake doomsday is out of the way, back to business

Harold Camping sort of stole the real doomsdays thunder. Claiming that he knew the moment that the world would end (when he knows full well that the real date is Dec. 21, 2012.) What a rat bastard.

To keep ourselves busy until the REAL doomsday, may I suggest:

Make clothes out of balloons. It's fun! It's cheap! Its time has finally come.

Teach your pets the importance of karaoke

Dogs and cats love to sing but they can't ever seem to remember the lyrics. That's why karaoke is perfect for them. Enjoy a cocktail, and watch the fun that ensues.

Make Cat Costumes... Then drug your kitty and make him hate you

Cats are people too! Sure they are.. They love dressing up in fun costumes... Right after you give them their "medication."

Have a Tiny Victorian Funeral For Your Gopher

That's right... I'll bet you've never even considered a get together to honor the life of your newly deceased gopher. Make it speak to the hearts of all your friends. Tell your gopher how much she will be missed, by holding an elaborate victorian funeral with a dazzling wake & shindig to follow. Money is no object since  the end of the world is right around the corner... (or should I say coroner?)

Beautiful "in mourning widow" martin skull with squirrel paws

Mourning muskrat - This is muskrat weird with
bird feet and hands. Nothing says muskrat love like this does

No miniature victorian funeral would be complete without a centerpiece to mourn over.
Dead gopher dressed in appropriate victorian garb for all your funeral needs

Make Chicken Shaped Cozy's for Everything!

You know you hate seeing that toaster, that blender, that food processor sitting on the counter... Learn to knit or crochet --- You will be dead but your place doesn't have to be unwelcoming.

Decorate Cakes Using an Airbrush

It's difficult. It's transitory. But with the world ending soon, transitory is relative.

Makeover Your House!

Take out a big-assed loan and do it up right. Make a damned statement.
Put in a reflecting pond out in front. Remember; it's not just a house... it's a big tomb.

Become a Biker

With 685 days left, here's a
damned good suggestion.
Join a motorcycle gang.
Since you already have 
the tattoos (Tatts in biker-speak) 
all you need to do is; buy
a Harley, dress biker style and understand terms like; tail gunner,
trailer twinkie, 22, 20-20,
mattress cover and war wagon.
Realize this is colorful language
and will ultimately enhance your vocabulary. Sure it's a big change
but time's a wastin'------
Grab your brain bucket
and burn some rubber.

POGO Sticking!

You can get a pogo stick. My kids borrowed a neighbors pogo sticks and for some reason, they are addicted to them. They are noisy and a terrible mode of transportation. You got 687 days left... You might as well hop for part of the time.

Here is a terrible picture I took today of my kids pogo-sticking.

Tattoo Yourself, Your Family and Your Friends

Why not? The end of the 
world is just around the corner anyway... those nasty mistakes wont make a huge difference in the quality of your final days. Go big. Make some big statements and make them in ink.

Make Some Extra Spending Money

Find some girl scouts and sell them some goddamned cookies.
Sure, we're coming up on the end of the world but you still have
 to have a few bucks in your pocket.

Time's a Waistin'

It's never too late to learn a new language. With 708 days left
you can learn one. Like Basque. 665,800 people speak this language
so the odds of meeting anyone, who wants to converse in
Basque is slim to none but, come on people, smile on yer brother,
everybody get together, try to love one another right now.

709 Days Left

Come on, 709 days is plenty of time to clean out the drawers in your office. You know you have said you were going to do it but, as usual, you keep putting it off. You don't want the world to end while your drawers are a disaster.  What will the aliens, who move into your house, think if your drawers are a mess?

Oh, you didn't know about the alien take over? They are just waiting to move in after we all die. And they WILL go through all of your stuff.

Okay, with 711 days left... I suggest

Learn to play the banjo. It's a great way to spend the final days. Learn a few tunes and sit in your front yard and serenade people as they walk by. You know you have always wanted to really, really piss off your uppity, snobbish neighbors. While your at it, buy some plastic, pink flamingos and place them in a prominent location out in front. Time's a wastin' so get her done.

712 days until the world ends

Tomorrow it's 711 days. Any resemblance to the convenience store chain is probably coincidental.

-Ian